How to Handle Difficult Feedback
Dear Leader,
I get it — it’s difficult to receive feedback. It’s even harder when the feedback isn’t what you’d hoped or expected to hear. Having an initial reaction to it is normal. It’s important to remember that feedback from a 360 is a snapshot of a particular point in time, from a particular group of people, of how your leadership is being perceived in a particular role.
In “The Feedback Fallacy,” Marcus Buckingham and Ashely Goodall beautifully deconstruct popular myths about the sanctity and elevated status of feedback: “Recipients have to sort through this forest of distortion in search of something that they recognize as themselves,” they write, empathizing with those who are trying to discern something useful from the reports they receive.
When faced with difficult criticism, it might be tempting to dismiss the feedback as pure distortion, or chalk it up to a certain group of problematic people whose feedback you don’t really care about anyway. That is always a choice, and I see many leaders choose that path, but I encourage you to engage your curiosity to see if there is something — anything — that can support your growth. It doesn’t mean it’s all TRUE, it just may be more useful to get curious instead of defensive and see what you can learn.
These are the five instances when it’s worth engaging with difficult feedback, even when (or maybe especially when) you’re feeling defensive or hurt:
1) If you think the traits, competencies, or relational patterns people bring up are getting in your way. It helps to zoom out for a minute to remember what you’re trying to do right now on your leadership journey. Are you shifting your leadership style to a new team? Are you trying to get promoted? Are you early in your career? Are you trying to decide what you want to achieve before you retire in a few years? Depending on your answer, your 360 might give you clues about what’s getting in your way.
2) If there is a big difference between how groups people experience you. For example, if your boss and external partners experience you in a positive light, but your peers are clearly unhappy, and your direct reports are somewhere in the middle, that’s really interesting, right? You’re the same person, but somehow these groups are experiencing you differently. Get curious about why — it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything WRONG, but that your actions are not having the desired impact with some people.
3) If there is big difference between how you rate yourself and how others rate you, especially when you rate yourself much more favorably. If you think you’re being a highly relational and caring team player, but other people don’t think so, that’s another point for curiosity. What are you doing that you don’t mean to be doing? Or what are you doing that might not be well-received? You still might decide in the end that you’re just on the wrong team, or in the wrong job, or you know you’re having a bad year, but you may also be surprised and be able to make small adjustments that make a big difference.
4) If people are upset about something you are normally praised for. We can often overplay a strength, and what might have worked for a long time stops working in a new setting or at a new level of leadership. If you’re a deeply collaborative person and known for making thoughtful decisions with lots of input, that could become a liability when you’re in a new leadership role that expects quick, independent decision-making. So it doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it just means you may need some different strategies for your new environment.
5) Finally, if your spouse, significant others, family, or dear friends have expressed the same feedback. These people know you best, and if you’ve heard the same thing from them, it’s probably worth getting curious about. The great news is you can learn to be curious and engage creatively with difficult feedback. Coaching can be a tremendous support in learning how to shift from being reactive to being curious.
In a recent issue of Poets & Writers Magazine, authors reflect on their experience receiving criticism. One author, Aaron Hamburger, wrote that his approach is to: “Do all I can to publish my book, then detach my sense of self-worth from the results.”
We can take a lot from that in a leadership context. Leadership is an art — not every book will be liked by all readers, and not everyone is going to like our leadership. But it doesn’t mean we stop honing our skills, or stop working to make our intended impact. Hamburger’s strategy is to “actively focus on gratitude” for the ways that people engage with his work, regardless of how they are engaging. This means we remember there isn’t anything inherently wrong with people who don’t like our work. It’s all an opportunity for us to learn more and keep growing.
I encourage you to lean in, get curious, and use Hamburger’s advice to focus on gratitude for the people who gave you their perspectives in service of your growth. You’ve got this!
Cheering for you,
Carolyn
Carolyn Murphy
Chief Executive Officer
Center for Trauma and Leadership