What to do when your employee cries
Dear Leader,
You know you dread those one-on-ones . . . the ones with “The Crier.” Tears are conceptually fine, you think, but really? Tears at work? And you’ve asked me, “What am I supposed to do when my employee starts crying?”
You are not alone. During the Covid years, one of my financial-sector coachees lamented, “Everyone is in tears these days. I feel like I need to be more of a therapist than a manager.”
It’s true: Millennials and Gen Zers are more in touch with their feelings — and expect you to be too. Do you now need a mental health degree to be a manager? No, you do not. But what might help is to understand a bit about what crying is, especially if you’re someone who isn’t prone to tears.
Three things to know about crying:
Crying is an indicator of emotion — if someone is crying, it means they care about something: about their performance, about other people, about doing a good job. Instead of weakness, why not see tears as a sign of commitment and investment in the work? Would that change how you respond?
Crying is a fantastic physiological regulator. If you’re mad or stressed out, crying can bring you back to a more calm place. If you’re feeling numbed out or depressed, tears can bring you back “online” — more connected to yourself and others. We do our best work when we’re in a calm place, so for some, it feels like why not have a good cry and then move on.
Emotions come in waves. A good cry usually only lasts around 90 seconds. I am pretty confident that both of you can survive the wave.
“So what do I do when someone is crying at work?” You ask, looking at me somewhat doubtfully. First, stay calm and listen. As a psychotherapist and coach, I can tell you that people don’t usually bring their biggest life issues to a one-to-one at work — their crying is proportional to the context. If it’s a work-related thing, it will probably be a short cry. Practice your presence and just be with them while they have a moment.
Second, practice empathy. Realize that you may be uncomfortable with the tears, but the person crying may also be embarrassed or ashamed to be crying in front of you. Don’t make it a big deal. Be understanding that sometimes tears are just a release or a sign of care. The more comfortable you can be as the leader, the more comfortable the crier will be — and that will help them move toward resolution faster. As author J.W. Lynne says, “Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak . . . Sometimes it’s what you need to do to get strong again.”
Finally, remember you don’t have to FIX anything. There may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed about how work is distributed, or how things are scheduled, or just the overwhelming demands of life that no one can fix. You can address those issues, even the big overwhelming life ones, through asking good questions: What would feel supportive to you right now? What’s the hardest thing about (the issue)? How can I help? Share your support, but give this person the benefit of the doubt that they can recover and still have enough wits about them to come up with their own solutions.
One of the biggest joys of leading others is helping people grow, learn, and access their potential. Sometimes tears are a part of that journey, and that’s okay. Remember when your kid learned to ride a bike, or got shut down by a teacher at school, or just felt overwhelmed by the pressures of college? Remember when you were that kid? We’re all grown up now, but we still have those emotional kids inside us. Sometimes a good cry is just what’s needed to move on.
Also, having a box of tissues around is never a bad idea!
Cheering for you,
Carolyn
Carolyn Murphy
Chief Executive Officer
Center for Trauma and Leadership